UNDEFEATED.

2 times the attempt, 2 times the disappointment.

When it was the first time, ok well you think to yourself, 'maybe I wasn't good enough?' Then when the second time comes, what are you going to think now? The same reason? It sucks, seriously. I still bothered to go through the boxes that they ticked the first time. But now, the only thing that registered in my head was the fact the total amount of points obtained were greater than eight-fuckin-teen. So what reasons can I possibly give to make myself feel any better?

I tried to be as careful as I can, but perhaps to them I haven't tried hard enough. I think that I've done better now, but they think otherwise. I really want to be optimistic about this but I simply don't know how to. I told myself to accept the fact that you know, perhaps God thinks that I'm not ready, as such he didn't let me through, that is to prevent any mistake that would lead to an accident. Well yeah, try telling yourself that and see if it helps.

It's not so much about the results and all, well I mean of course it matters but the actual and bigger disappointment comes from the fact that for this past one month, the amount of preperation, the practise sessions, the fact that the people around you and even yourself have been you know, psyching yourself for this day. The things you've planned to do after you've passed, everything good! But now, all cannot and will not happen because I've failed.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm better with steering wheels instead of handle bars? Maybe I shift gears better by using hands as compared to kicking it up or down? Or maybe I can manage 4 wheels but not 2 wheels? This whole questioning-yourself phase, they're terrible, if there are so many maybes, maybe I really just cannot make it. Maybe maybe maybe, maybe memories. Sigh.

I know I'll look at this post tomorrow or even a week later thinking to myself, 'Oh man... This is so depressing bla bla bla, self-pity, etc.' Oh well, I guess I just want to sympathise with myself right now. I don't know, it's really really sad yeah..

I'm sorry Midori, you and I can't be official yet.

"This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor.."